Feelings Invalidated

As we continue to understand emotional unavailability. I'd like to take a closer look at invalidated feelings.

Ever had one of those moments when you try to open up about something that’s bothering you, only to be met with a shrug, a quick change of subject, or worse, someone telling you it’s "not a big deal"? I have. And if you’ve experienced this kind of thing regularly, whether from a family member, friend, or coworker, you know how much it can chip away at you over time.

When our feelings are shut down or invalidated, it sends a subtle but powerful message: “Your emotions don’t matter.” And when this happens again and again, it can make us start questioning ourselves. "Am I overreacting? Am I too sensitive? Should I just keep things to myself?" Spoiler alert: No, you’re not overreacting, and no, you shouldn’t have to bottle things up.

It’s sneaky because it often comes wrapped in everyday conversations. Imagine you’re stressed about a tight deadline at work, and you confide in a coworker who replies with, "Everyone has deadlines. You’ll be fine." Or maybe you’re upset about a disagreement with a family member, and someone chimes in with, "Just let it go. It’s not worth getting upset over." In these moments, your feelings get brushed aside like crumbs off the counter.

But why do people dismiss others' feelings? Sometimes it comes from discomfort — they don’t know how to respond, so they deflect or minimize. Other times, they might think they’re helping by "putting things in perspective," not realizing it can feel dismissive. Some people have been taught to suppress emotions themselves, so they unknowingly repeat that pattern. And let’s be honest — there are also those who just lack empathy and don’t see the value in emotional conversations. The last one stings the most when the person dismissing is emotionally immature or unwilling to see things from another’s perspective. It can feel like hitting an invisible wall — no matter how well we express ourselves, our feelings seem to bounce right off. Over time, it creates a quiet loneliness, where we stop expecting to be understood. It’s a tough realization, especially when it comes from someone we care about or work closely with.

The tricky part is that it might not seem like a big deal at first. We try to shrug it off and move on. But over time, these little moments add up. It’s like a slow drip of water wearing down a stone. Eventually, it leaves a mark.

When our emotions are constantly dismissed, it can make us feel invisible. We might start second-guessing ourselves and holding back from sharing things altogether. Why bother opening up if we’re just going to be shut down? This can lead to bottled-up emotions, increased stress, and even feelings of loneliness or resentment.

It’s a bit like handing over the keys to your own feelings. When someone says, "You’re too sensitive," you can respond with, "I feel how I feel." If they say, "Why are you overreacting?" you can calmly say, "Let me decide how I feel or how I’m going to react to this." Instead of waiting for someone else to give us permission to feel, we can validate our emotions ourselves. We get to decide what matters to us and how we process it.

But here’s the thing: our feelings are valid. Whether we’re overwhelmed, frustrated, excited, or hurt, our emotions deserve space. Being heard and understood is a basic human need. It builds trust and connection. When someone listens without judgment or dismissal, it creates a safe space where we can be ourselves.

So, what do we do when we’re faced with this kind of dismissal? First, recognize it for what it is: invalidation. Then, depending on the situation, you can try a few things. Sometimes it helps to gently push back. "I hear you, but this is really bothering me, and I just need a minute to talk it out." Other times, it might be about setting boundaries or choosing to confide in people who do value your feelings.

And if you’re on the other side of the conversation, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you brushing off someone else’s emotions because it makes you uncomfortable? Or because you don’t know what to say? You don’t need to have all the answers. Often, just listening is enough.

I’ll be honest — I’ve been guilty of this myself. When someone I care about is upset, my instinct is to try to make them feel better. I’ve said things like, "Don’t worry — it’ll be alright," thinking I was helping. But what I’ve come to realize is that, even though it’s meant with good intentions, it can actually be a form of dismissal. Instead of giving the other person space to feel what they’re feeling, I was unintentionally brushing past their emotions.  As a parent – this is something I need to work on because I find it very difficult when one of my kids is struggling – I just want to do everything in my power to make things better for them or make it go away.  I can see there are times where my kids have gotten worked up about something and now I know – they decide how they feel.  My job is not to tell them it’s going to be ok or rush them through their feelings or try to validate where they are at but me just give them space to feel how they feel.  Instead of labelling it which is a form of disrespect, offer -  I can see this is difficult for you -what can I do to support you.  I can see that you’re upset by this – how can I help.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel seen and heard. It costs nothing to offer someone a bit of understanding, but it means everything to the person receiving it. Be the kind of person who listens, who validates, and who creates space where emotions aren’t just welcomed but respected.

And if you’ve ever felt like your feelings were brushed aside, know this: You matter. Your emotions matter. And you deserve to be heard.